When my 7-year-old grandson asked me, “Who would I be if you hadn’t ‘dopted Mummy?”
I murmured “Mmm,” and said, “That’s a good question.”
“Well Jana,” he insisted, “Who would I be? Would I still be me? Would the lady who ‘dopted Mummy be my grandma? I wouldn’t want that. Would I have cousins in New Zealand? Would I have an Aunty Tanya?”
I thought long and hard. Bob Dylan’s song came to mind so I said, “I don’t know the answer but I think it’s blowin’ in the wind.”
He looked puzzled and said, “Then when you die will you be in the wind?”
“Sure,” I said with way more confidence than I felt. “And then when you feel a gentle breeze you’ll know that’s me giving you a kiss and when the wind blows really hard, you’ll know that’s me saying, “Smarten up.”
“When will you die Jana?”
“Oh not for ages, you’ll be a grown up.”
“That’s good,” he said, “‘cos by then I’ll be able to cook and I’ll look after you.
But Jana, I will never be able to wipe an old lady butt.”
The conversation then shifted to something more immediate; like what treats did I have in my cupboard.
While that may have been enough for him, when I was in bed trying to sleep, I got to thinking.
“Who would I be if I hadn’t left the Exclusive Brethren?”
“Who would I be if I hadn’t married the man I did?”
“Who would I be if we hadn’t adopted our three kids?”
“Who would I be if their father hadn’t gone his own way?”
“STOP IT,” I said to myself, “it’s 2 a.m., this is ridiculous, close your eyes and go to sleep.”
But by then my brain couldn’t or wouldn’t stop, so I tried changing the question to ‘if I knew then what I know now’.
Hours later, close to 5 a.m., I really was not much further ahead, but I sorted out a few things.
If I’d known then what I know now, I probably wouldn’t have done anything much different. There’s good and bad in everything. There is only now, not yesterday, not tomorrow. Don’t regret the past, don’t worry, it might not happen.
A few days later when the moment seemed right, I thought I should share some of these conclusions with my grandson.
“You know the other day when we were talking about who you’d be if I hadn’t adopted your mum,” I said.
“Yes Jana,” he said his eyes huge and shiny. What a teaching moment I thought and then he said, “Jana when are you going to let me play video games on your computer?”
